Being Alive

Note: nothing in this post is meant to hurt feelings or people, i just need to speak.

i never knew why i had a connection to the musical Company, i'm not 35, my birthday was months ago, and marriage is not all around me (even though it feels like it).

i made a realization tonight after a friend told me to "want something" and pushed me. i almost broke down right there, i realized i haven't wanted anything. i can't remember the last time i did want something.

i'm scared, i don't know what i want, i feel that i'm this shadow of an actual person going about his day to day activities with no drive, nothing pushing me to do better, to be greater than what i am.

then they said something else,

you have pick yourself up and get it, no one will pick you up.

another valid point, i have wanted someone to pull me, push me, push back, but when it got to hard i would give up...

i'm a shell of a person, living the life of someone who could/can be great,

let me be used, vary my days,

alone, is alone, not alive...

crowd me, force me

let me,

be

alive

Mpwapjja

Wicked Little Town

idk

i'm a hardened individual.

i work hard, so hard i lose myself

i've lost myself, again

maybe i should quit...

i just know that i've shot myself in the foot.

Some days are worse than others,

some weeks too,

i'm having 2 horrible weeks.

i was in a car accident

i developed PTSD because of that accident

i had a birthday

i got drunk

I was hungover and skipped class because i was drunk

teachers found out i lied and severely lowered my grade because of it

my car overheated

my car has a blown radiator and a melted motor

a $2500 price tag (used), a $5000+ price tag(new)

i was yelled at, at work yesterday,

then blamed for it

now i'm 2 weeks away from failing my Practicum assignment

for which no one told me about

for which the professor is taking everything personally.

i want to give up

on it all

where is my light?

where can i go?

when is it my turn?

where do I go?

Why?

Why me?

please help

i need something to happen

i've had a horrible 2 weeks, something's got to give.

Back In Black

O yes!

I'm beginning my 3 week of my senior year! AHHHHH

ridiculous..

its been an interesting 2 weeks, i met my new Boss....... ya

she is an interesting person to say the least... the very least...

hopefully it'll get better or i'll have to go Brett Jones on her ass! with the coffee mug and all! YEAH!

haaha

I've met a ton of new people and rekindled relationships with old(but great) friends!

and its awesome that we can all go out to the bars and drink! GET QUITE A BIT!

i'm really excited about this year, it promises to be a goodie (at least from the classes stand point)

USITT is off and running and the first UNI foorball game is this saturday WOOOO! go Panthers!

and we'll be there with the purple and gold, THEATRE SUPPORTS FOOTBALL!

until later

Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)

well it has been a crazy couple of months to say the least...

before i return to CF in exactly 3 1/2 hours i'd like to thank the 2 people that have helped me through my time in sioux city

(the next paragraph is to be said in a jewish Brooklyn accent, think Coffee talk and add more jew)

TREY K BLACKBURN! yes i know you dropped th K, i wish you the best of luck in New York! break legs and hearts and make out in the rain already! we've all done it!

thank you again guy, you've been a rock, lets do lunch and consult, or insult... whatever same thing..

(Back to normal, or continue)

Kayla Lamoureux, the jungle book back our freshman year to now HAIR! 21 and drinking.... a lot..

seriously....

i'm sick of taking your drunk ass home! jk

thank you for being there for me during troubling times of crazed directors.

you are my hard place

I've learned a lot this summer, thanks to difficult directors and fathers and actors....

jk

its been a great time, i'm glad i came home one last summer.

thank you

One

i'm here

i'm now

i don't care how

or why

for that matter

but for some reason

i can't let you go

i won;t let you out

of my mind,

because there i remember

you

as you always were,

perfect

just the way you are

nothing can sway

the way

i feel about you,

no one

con convince me

otherwise of our

adoration towards

each other,

i know you

feel

it too.

so please let me

love you

for i'll be here

and now

for you and only you

because that is all i can be

my

love

my

dear

my

sweet

my one

find me again...

The Quest/The Impossible Dream

its been awhile since I've blogged, i feel bad. i recently watched Julie And Julia and i"ve realized that i'm a lot like Julie, i never seem to finish the things that i start. With that new realization in mind, i"ve started to plan out the next couple years of my life, granted they will probably change but i'm okay with that.

things change, as do people.

this has been a very hard summer for me.

school can't come soon enough in my mind, i don;t mean to complain, but! DAMN! where is the LIGHT! ugh.. parents can really make you feel like nothing... its my fault i tried to look at this summer as a good test of my theatre knowledge up to this point and it has been! i've done many great things, i've learned a lot, and i feel ready for next year. but "the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray".

again wrote that 5 days ago, i can't keep up with this.

so HAIR opened last night, and let me just say that it feels so AMAZING when all of your hard work pays off, when everything you've done and everything you've done to make people happy, pays off. we opened and sold out, yes SOLD OUT the 60 seat capacity theatre 20mins before the show started at 8 o"clock. we ended up adding chairs and filled up the theatre to 75 people. we made over a 1,000 dollars at the door a 3rd of what we spent, and we still have 5 shows left. This show in one night made more money in one night than the last show "the Shape Of Things" did in its entire run, (sad, but true, and kinda awesome)

things have gotten better, my father has stopped worrying about the welfare of the theatre now (Because of what he saw last night) and yes (TAKE THAT DAD). HAHA

until next time...